I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
