please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
