Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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