I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
