Soap is not a condiment
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
