oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize