The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
