She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
