Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
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