please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
