Already got asked if we're dating
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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