I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
