The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
