from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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