i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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