the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
