Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
