when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We're using joints as your birthday candles
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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