You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
