Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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