walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
