did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
