my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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