mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
