Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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