You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
