Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Someone came in the potted fern
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
