I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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