Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
