It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
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I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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