He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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