Acid is not a monday night drug
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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