if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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