my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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