My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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