he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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