I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
