I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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