I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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