I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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