I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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