...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
