My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
