Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
