someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
