I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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