Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
