I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
