Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
