Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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