textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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