My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
