i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We had to coat check the pizza.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
