hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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