I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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