Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
