If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
