I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
