My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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