This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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