Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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