Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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