so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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